Giving Great Head

Now that I have your attention, this isn’t about “fellatio”. Sorry, cheap shot. It’s about the mental and emotional side of relationships. Get it…great head…never mind.

People think when you start a relationship or have been in a relationship for some time that everything should be hunky dory.  Life should be unicorns and rainbows. I’m not sure most people realize (or are in denial of the fact) there will be problems. There will be fights.

However, there will be good and great times as well. You begin a relationship in the honeymoon phase; the hormones are going, the butterflies are flying, and everything is perfect. Even after 7 years with my husband I still get those feelings because we make sure our love life is a top priority. If we didn’t we might lose that feeling, and I believe that when people have lost that feeling, things might be over.

I understand life happens; kids, bills, mortgages, work, etc., and this is good. These things can make or break us and I choose to have it “make me.” It’s when couples forget about each other and place importance only on those things listed that passion can begin to fall apart. I bet you know many couples that say, “sure, I like my partner but we’re more like roommates or best friends. The spark is gone.”

Well get ready to be relit. I want to take you from icy to spicy and seriously, it’s pretty darn easy.

First, make sure you have dates (with each other).  It’s important to spend time with one another not just in a family or business environment. Think back to when you were courting each other and would go out with friends, have sleepovers because you didn’t live together, cuddle and watch favorite shows, or danced not worrying who was watching. Do this with your partner again, it’s easier than you think, and you both might begin to see each other in a different light, even when things get tough.

I’m trying to help you understand that no one person or relationship is perfect and it’s ok that life “gets in the way.”  People have their idiosyncrasies that will drive you crazy, however remember you might have yours too. Some define true love as when a person accepts us even after knowing our flaws, isn’t this what you want?

You two aren’t going to agree on everything, it’s how you communicate and work things out that will make all the difference in the world.  Screaming and yelling will not solve anything; trust me when I tell you the odds are it will only make things worse. Remember, words can’t be taken back. Ever.

Has anything ever been solved by fighting…no (I’m not referring to MMA or boxing). One or both of you will get hurt emotionally and when tensions are high inappropriate words get thrown around that can never be forgotten. Once said, those words are “out there” forever.

Something Michael and I practice that you might be able to use; when things get intense or heated we take a time out (they’re not just for sports or 2 year olds throwing a tantrum). Maybe not sit in a corner because that’s weird but go in separate rooms until you calm down.

“They” say never go to bed angry, however I say poppycock…. sometimes you need to sleep off the anger. Michael doesn’t like it but he respects it’s how I am (remember the whole true love definition) so I fall asleep and recoup in the morning. Sleeping might have cleared your head a bit, like it does mine, and you can calmly talk. Also, please don’t have serious conversations if alcohol or drugs impair you and yes, that includes Ambien.

In my personal opinion people sometimes forget why they fell in love. Have you? Or they think, ‘why should I deal with this when in this digital society I can find someone else so easily.’ Many men and women tend to forget that problems will follow you and until worked through they will always follow you.

It’s kind of like a haunting but only you (and sometimes your partner) have the ability to make it go away. Your new relationship(s) may not suffer from the exact same problem but a variation of the original will pop up so ask yourself, is it easier to work through issues with the person I believe is my true love or should I keep bopping around until my time on earth is up?

Fall in love again with your partner. It’s easy if you make a little bit of effort. Relationships can be the best career you have if you work on it and we, as a society, need to stop giving up so quickly. It feels like men and women in this century have relationship ADD. Hey, let’s call it RADD but recognize RADD is not a technical diagnosis but a fictional term I made up.

Both women and men are guilty of RADD.  Have you ever had this inner dialogue; “this person is fun and cool, sexy too, but I bet a couple thousand new people signed up on Tinder or Bumble today.” My friends, the damn grass is only as green as make it. If you don’t water and fertilize your lawn of course it will get overgrown by weeds and bugs, it will look yucky and die. Is that what you want? You really have a lot more control than you think. Consider this instead; when you take care of ‘your lawn’ (metaphor for your relationship) and nurture it, you will have the best most loving and sexiest lawn on the block.

Did our grandparent’s generation stay together longer due to being lazy or because it was socially unacceptable to divorce? I don’t think so. I believe they knew that if they worked hard and remained dedicated to their relationship it would be a success?

Admit it with me, society now seems lazy and desperately wants (and maybe needs) instant gratification. It’s time to stop that cycle and change things…one person and one couple at a time. Are you willing?

Will you put in the time to have a great relationship? Will you give 100% on days your partner is happy and on days they aren’t? The payoff is incredible when you consider what we are discussing and hey, you wouldn’t get paid at work for doing nothing, right? Together, put effort into your relationship and reap the benefits.

Find something you both love to do and do it together. I firmly believe that a couple that plays together, stays together. Just remember when times get tough, and you know they will, make it work. Commit to each other and commit to your relationship.

You have to work at it. Learn as you go. Grow together. It’s ok to have separate identities and hobbies growing separately does not mean growing apart. If your partner isn’t interested in something you are, that’s ok; share stories that happen when you’re off doing something your partner isn’t there to experience. Love, laugh, have things you can talk about because that builds bonds and to me, now you are really living.

Communicate when things are good how you discuss issues (they will arise) when things are not good. Feel and hear things from your partner’s perspective. Ask them to do the same for you. Relationships should be more about negotiations than compromise. Compromising can cause fatigue and resent so negotiate a win-win not a win-lose.

Along these lines it’s important that you are compassionate but work together so neither of you has to feel the need to give in to what you don’t want. This behavior can cause disgust and resent between you and your partner so negotiate because communication is lubrication.

Let me also remind you of a major principle in life, your partner and what they have given you is something so rare that it’s scarce. As humans we desire what is rare because, well, think about the word itself.

Do you think you will find someone to accept your good and bad, deal with your pros and cons, put up with habits that may have driven others crazy? Good luck and let me be the one to tell you this… your partner is rare.

Look again at that person you once thought you would spend your life with? You and your partner have invested a lot of time and emotion into your relationship so if you both feel there’s just a hint of spark left that could possibly reignite into an uncontrollable flame…then make it work. People like your partner don’t come around too often and yes; they need to realize this about you too.

However, and this must be read carefully (and re-read if necessary); if either of you feel there’s no spark, none, zero, zip, zilch then it is time to walk away. Have the strength to do what so many can’t. Spare yourself, your partner, and any members of your family more pain and walk away. Short term pain will equal a long term gain for both of you.

I’ll use the analogy of buying a car. You don’t want to spend as much money as the salesperson wants you to, so you sit down and negotiate finding what works for both of you (and no I’m not saying sell your spouse). If the negations are at a total impasse, then it’s time to look for a new car.

Lastly, if you both agree it’s time for a new car please practice safety when test driving each new car (metaphor for wear condoms and practice safe sex).

It’s a shame when couples remain together because being alone terrifies them more than staying in an unhappy unhealthy relationship. Lastly, please do not use kids as an excuse to stay with your partner. Kids are wise, intuitive, and sense more than you can imagine. They’re always watching so what example do you want to set for them because that is what they’ll follow as they grow up. Scientific research shows, if parents are happy then kids will have a better outlook on relationships (work, family, friends, spouse, partner).